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  • Lottie Hex

Breasts, mine

Updated: Sep 2, 2020

I am just realising that all those years you sucked on my nipples were like a constant pulling of the trigger. The gun of a thousand past encounters where I didn’t want to be touched. 


For three and a half years I breastfeed a baby not noticing that every time you sucked out the milk I sucked in my breath. Burying past traumas deeper inside my lungs, by heart, by being. And now in this discovery, I am not  able to be. 


I think of how much you love to touch, to explore my friends bodies, to play, to caress, to feel an intimacy I didn’t realise I was withholding. I have become so accustomed to holding in, holding in myself.


Milk drips like water torture, tapping on my own skin.


I find myself telling you it hurts at bedtime when reading stories, you want cuddles. I tell you this without thinking, without understanding my own words. How long have I been telling you this and why have I only just realised the pain is not a small child placing their head on my chest.


#breastfeeding #bodies #sites

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